4:30 pm- I am working on the Christmas list that my father sends to us every year. The kids had no problems telling me what DVD they wanted to ask. But when I said, "ok, what do you want for Christmas?" there was silence and blank faces. They are all having a hard time coming up with anything. Maddie asked for a "cuddle-up-it" which is something she saw on an infomercial that is a blanket and puppet in one. I don't know what to think of this. Are my children really that selfless that they honestly can't think of anything they want or have I pounded it into my children that we don't have money for everything and they are scared to say what their hearts truly desire. I thought I would prompt it a little and I said, "Nate, pretend Dad gave you a million dollars and told you to buy whatever you wanted in the whole world. What would you buy?" Without hesitation his response was "a flavored mouth guard!" Really? You have a million dollars and all you want to buy is a flavored mouth guard? What else would you buy? "football pads...and pants." Ok, we really have a one track mind here. Do my children really have no, or very limited, imagination that this is all they can come up with or is this really what he desires most and therefore is all he can think about? Children are a wonder to me!
7:30pm-Tonight I made Parmesan Pork Chops with stuffing. I made a breadcrumb crust out of croutons instead of bread for the chops and the kids asked me if that's what I had done. Now their mind is on croutons and Maddie asked what stuffing was made out of. I told her dried bread. She said, oh, it kind of looks like croutons. And Nate said, "ya. It looks like crouton ric!" So now, stuffing is called crouton rice in our house.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
October 9, 2014
9:40 am- Isaac and Olivia are downstairs playing with blocks and watching a movie...oh wait...I just heard Isaac give a scream so I guess things are not as complacent as I thought...well, anyway, I'm writing this morning....wait, here comes Livvy whining...Isaac hit her in the head with a block...ok, kisses and juice have been distributed so now I can get back to writing.
Yesterday was a day spent contemplating and trying to calm myself down. Jason went hunting yesterday and I knew when he got back that I'd have to have myself pulled together and ready to try and smooth things out. I truly love my husband and I hate being mad at him. I talked to friends, thought a lot of nasty thoughts, but it was when I had finally said to myself, "that's it! I'm not going to carry him any more. He just gets left behind!" that I heard the soft whisperings of the Spirit tell me that this is what husbands and wives are for. To carry each other through the difficult times. After all, isn't that what the Savior has done for me? I felt that peace that I so crave surround me and I knew that my heart had been softened and at that moment I couldn't remember why I had been so upset in the first place. In order to keep that peace in my heart and keep Satan out of my thoughts I put on some conference talks about marriage. I listened to 3 and they were all really good and I kept thinking to myself, Jason needs to listen to these too! So, I had to remind myself that this is for me and my spiritual and marital well being and I need to focus on improving myself and not trying to improve everyone else.
Nate had such an awesome flag football game last night. He scored two touchdowns and took many flags and he was just on fire. I texted the game results to Jason and that was all it took to break the curse between us. He was happy when he came home and while I admit it took me complete restraint to put a smile on my face and not bring up the drudgery, I was happy to see him home at a decent hour. He snuggled up to me and kissed me long and told me he was sorry. I apologized for blowing things out of proportion as usual and he apologized again for things he said and that was it. I think this is the first time in the history of our marriage that I did not elaborate and explain why I was mad and go full blown into all of the details. I just let it go at the apology and thanked him for it and then that was it. We were done and happy again and mended things intimately between us because that's his love language. One day he'll learn what mine is, but for now I'll just love him the best way I can for him and accept the love he has to offer me in the way he has to offer it. I prefer that over the anger any day!
Yesterday was a day spent contemplating and trying to calm myself down. Jason went hunting yesterday and I knew when he got back that I'd have to have myself pulled together and ready to try and smooth things out. I truly love my husband and I hate being mad at him. I talked to friends, thought a lot of nasty thoughts, but it was when I had finally said to myself, "that's it! I'm not going to carry him any more. He just gets left behind!" that I heard the soft whisperings of the Spirit tell me that this is what husbands and wives are for. To carry each other through the difficult times. After all, isn't that what the Savior has done for me? I felt that peace that I so crave surround me and I knew that my heart had been softened and at that moment I couldn't remember why I had been so upset in the first place. In order to keep that peace in my heart and keep Satan out of my thoughts I put on some conference talks about marriage. I listened to 3 and they were all really good and I kept thinking to myself, Jason needs to listen to these too! So, I had to remind myself that this is for me and my spiritual and marital well being and I need to focus on improving myself and not trying to improve everyone else.
Nate had such an awesome flag football game last night. He scored two touchdowns and took many flags and he was just on fire. I texted the game results to Jason and that was all it took to break the curse between us. He was happy when he came home and while I admit it took me complete restraint to put a smile on my face and not bring up the drudgery, I was happy to see him home at a decent hour. He snuggled up to me and kissed me long and told me he was sorry. I apologized for blowing things out of proportion as usual and he apologized again for things he said and that was it. I think this is the first time in the history of our marriage that I did not elaborate and explain why I was mad and go full blown into all of the details. I just let it go at the apology and thanked him for it and then that was it. We were done and happy again and mended things intimately between us because that's his love language. One day he'll learn what mine is, but for now I'll just love him the best way I can for him and accept the love he has to offer me in the way he has to offer it. I prefer that over the anger any day!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
September 30, 2014
12:15 pm- Isaac got mad at Nate and screamed at him and then called him a poo-poo. Great, he's learned a new word! Jason said, "It's nice to see he's increased his vocabulary."
5:10 pm- Nate: "Whoa! You put vegetables in the mac n cheese? That's awesome...and kind of weird."
5:10 pm- Nate: "Whoa! You put vegetables in the mac n cheese? That's awesome...and kind of weird."
October 7, 2014
10:34 pm- I haven't written in a while because I have been so stressed, emotional, and angry at situations that surround me. I have come to a few conclusions about them and I feel that I am now ready to finally put things into words. Keep in mind, however, that at this very moment and I am so mad at Jason right now that I really just do not want to sleep in the same bed as him. Not that I could sleep anyway, he has been snoring lately. But my anger does affect my thinking and makes it not so clear.
1) The Situation: Spectrum Academy is not what we thought it would be. Dilemma: What do we do? Stay there and wait it out while our children experience being in the presence of high behavioral problems and low academics? Or pull them out and put them back in Shelley where Emma felt like she was ignored by her teacher and I was not happy with how they taught the "core" curriculum, the extremely high level of expectation and the amount of homework and time it took to do it for elementary children. Or do I homeschool Emma and give her the undivided attention she feels (and rightly so) she deserves. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that there seems to be no clear choice. One thing does not feel better than the other. I am able to prioritize these choices into "good, better, best" and Jason is as unclear about the choice as I am...which is not surprising but comforting in a strange way. When I think about homeschool I feel good about that choice and I feel at peace. Jason is not on board with it. But he is not a person of "doing" but rather of letting "others do." I think his choice is to send them back to Shelley where they know people, we are comfortable with policies and procedures and where he thinks everything is honkey dorey. He doesn't have to deal with homework and volunteering and school politics like I do, so yes, that seems like the better choice for him. I can't put my finger on it but Shelley just does not bring me peace. Solution: We have given the choices to Emma with all of the pro's and con's of each one and have asked her to pray about it. I have made it very clear to her that this decision is not hers alone to make so that she does not feel overwhelmed with it, but feels like she is a part of the decision making and the solution. Her answer will speak louder and more than she knows. If she chooses Spectrum, she values the smaller class size and attention she gets there. If she chooses Shelley she values social and academics. If she chooses homeschool she values the attention she gets from me and being set apart from her siblings. It will be interesting to see what her little heart truly desires. My Solution: homeschool. I am actually looking forward to working with Emma one on one not just academically but personally as well. I can teach her cooking, music and other extra-curricular things, as well as, go on fun field trips and just get to know her better.
2) The Situation: Jason. Dilemma: He lacks in so many areas. Communication, Faith, determination, motivation, sticking to the plan, realizing his potential, aggressivness and applying himself, taking risks, paying the price, the list goes on and on. I know that if I were to make a list of myself it would be far longer and more humbling, but right now, the focus is on him. He wants more out of life but is unwilling to pay the price. He wants it handed to him. He wants someone else to make the decisions and do the work. He is not a "doer" in any sense of the word. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that I am tired of his lack of all of these things means suffering for my children and myself. We are in such turmoil while he fiddle-farts around with his life and now I am just angry at him. The man has no ambition. He wants more money yet he will not ask for a raise or give his employer a reason to promote him or look for a higher paying job. The job he has is awesome. He has friends, he has experience, he has seniority and yet they give the promotions to less experienced people. Why? Because they show ambition. They sell themselves and their qualifications. Jason does not. He won't look for another job because that involves taking a risk and being aggressive. It also requires sacrifice and paying a price. He is just waiting for someone to notice him and hand him what he wants. I know he wants me to go out and work but I am refusing to do that. Not only is not in accordance with what the Lord wants, but it is taking away his opportunity to DO and FIGHT for what he wants. He is an ostrich who buries his head in the sand until the discomfort and problems have faded away. I am the one who fights and protects and gives him the all clear. I pray and pray and pray that he will take the initiative and be the head of the household. That he will fight for his family rather than be stagnate in his life and with his choices. Solution: give in and get a job and kiss his butt for the rest of my life. Continue to live status quo and never aspire for anything else to happen or change. Because change is evil and why would we want that? My Solution: FIGHT TO THE DEATH! I am tired of sacrificing and the price is to high, but it is a price that must be paid if I want the change our family needs. I have decided to move forward without him. I have cut-out all that I can. I have sacrificed all that I can and we still come up short. It is time for him to sacrifice and pay the price. But in order for that to happen, I must continue on without him. Making those hard decisions on my own. Taking care of the children on my own. Living with the knowledge that there is not enough for our basic needs and for the time being there never will be. And I need to remind myself that if I want this change, this is the price I must pay.
3) Situation: Jason came home late from hunting the other day. Dilemma: I have barely spoken to him since then. Not only did he come home late, but he did not get in contact with me until he was on his way home. I had to cancel plans that were made and I worried the ENTIRE time he was past what I thought his arrival was supposed to be. He ruined a perfectly good day with me and the kids because of his lack of respect for me and my time and the children. Part of this anger stems from another situation the night before his hunting...I had to cancel plans with him that night because of Emma "faking sick" that day from school. I cancelled babysitters and waited to late to call her out on it and therefore I could not attend the little "team activity" with his work which entailed going up into the canyon and roasting hotdogs. Truth be told, that is not worth paying a babysitter for in the first place and so I did not put forth my best effort in trying to get another babysitter. However, when I told him that I was not going to be able to make it, he went on without me and that pissed me off! What it basically told me was that if I wanted to attend with him I needed to find someone to watch the kids. Otherwise, it was just a formality in the first place. He is constantly putting other things before his family and it's really starting to get on my nerves! He came home late that night as well. The children had not seen him for 48 hours and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He tried to apologize Saturday night when he came home late from hunting and told me that I could continue on with my plans (which was to go to a late movie with Kristy) because the kids wouldn't be along for too long. IDIOT! No, I did not go because I was not going to leave my kids alone late at night like that...and neither was Kristy. The other problem is that he did not go to the Priesthood Session of Conference. My children chose to leave their cousin's football game early because they wanted to get back in time to watch conference and I was so proud of them because that choice came without any prompts from me. I couldn't wait to tell Jason about this and the progress that was being made with them (situation #4) and the tears of happiness and joy to my heart that resulted. Only to be quashed by him NOT making the choice to end what he was doing and go to Conference. As usual, I cannnot look to him to be the example. Issue: the issue I have with this is that tonight he played the Martyr again and said that tomorrow would be his last day of hunting because it is causing way to many problems and it's not worth it. "It causes to many problems when I'm away and so I'm not going to go anymore." My response was to storm out of the room, muttering bull sh#% under my breath and proceed to vacuum the kitchen floor imagining that the vacuum was going over Jason's face. I HATE IT WHEN HE PLAYS THE MARTYR!!!!! I cannot talk to him about ANYTHING because he always, always, does this. There is no right way to talk to him about things. Either I'm being naggy and making him feel like he is worthless, or I'm just being a freaker-outer. Usually it's him being the martyr and trying to guilt me into being upset with whatever it was in the first place. Then I have to tell him that it's not him it's me and how wonderful and prefect he is because that's what his mother always does. So when I tell him something that I feel we need to work on together this is what I hear him say in my mind, "what? you mean I'm not perfect? my mother always told me I was. You are just being mean and I'm going to cry about it now until you take all of those mean things back and make me feel special again. You are not as perfect as me." Solution: Tell him how wonderful he is and how wrong I am and continue on with the belief that he can go out and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and I will continue to be treated like a prisoner with no parole. My Solution: Make him suffer and give up hunting if he's going to be a baby about it. If he wants to be part of the problem rather than the solution fine! My problem is solved!
4) The children have been following to much in their father's footsteps. Dilemma: when I ask the children to clean their room I always get weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth...and then the leave and go play with their friends anyway. If they do happen to go in an clean up their room, it is such a poor effort that it probably looked better when they didn't clean it rather than when they "cleaned" by piling everything on their bed and then pulling a sheet over it or throwing everything on top of a table or in the corner. I was pretty sick of it. And so I played the Little Red Hen with them that night. I chose not to make dinner for them and had Jason bring home Wendy's for the two of us. I asked them, "who will clean up their room?" "who will help with the dishes?" "who will put away their toys?" Not I! "who wants to eat this dinner from Wendy's?" I do! "Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't help clean your room, you didn't help with the dishes, you didn't clean up your toys. So I will eat this all by myself." and she did. Issue: aside from the obvious issues with the children, what made it worse was Jason getting involved by telling the children how much it hurt him to see them disrespect me and treat me like that and blah, blah, blah with tears and everything. He said some not so nice things to children and they all felt horrible and cried and cried. He basically played the martyr to the children and they had the same reaction as I did, guilt. That was the last thing he said to them before he didn't see them again for 48 hours (situation #3). How dare he say that to them when he does the same thing to me on a daily basis!! Where does he think they learned that behavior from? I ignored him and went on to tell the children that I loved them and that I just needed their help. Solution: Keep going over this lesson over and over and over until it is learned. Which involves more threats and more weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from all involved. My Solution: Father in his gentle ways, helped me to see that I am forcing my children to grow up to fast. That I am trying to turn them all into adults rather than let them be children and play. I resolved then and there that play time and friends really were more important than a clean room. I can clean their room and do the dishes and all of that while they go and play. And when they ask to help or are near by then I can have them help. I want my children to have a happy childhood like I did and not an empty one like their father. I will teach them how to do things through my example. When they turn 12 then they enter into the "young adult" world and I can focus on those more adult things then. Sorry Maddie that I am figuring this out when you will be 12 in 6 months. But I hope to reconcile it soon. I just have to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I am choosing to give and a price I am willing to pay for the outcome that I want.
Getting all of this out has helped me clear my mind, but it has not calmed my anger for Jason...in fact, it probably only made it worse. I will try to repent and calm myself down before he goes hunting in the morning. I did send him a text before I started writing this that said I love you and be safe so that my last words him are not cruel in case something happens. But yet again, my attitude is that I am doing something to rectify the situation and he is in bed sleeping doing nothing. I am trying to take the counsel of the apostles in our recent conference and not take offense so easily, but that requires a change of heart on my part. I thought I was doing well in that department but this week has proven otherwise and I need to repent and turn to my scriptures more often. I have been listening to those talks over and over the past two days, but I need to do more.
I have run out of words to say so I guess that means there is no more analyzing left and there is no more thinking on these matters tonight.
1) The Situation: Spectrum Academy is not what we thought it would be. Dilemma: What do we do? Stay there and wait it out while our children experience being in the presence of high behavioral problems and low academics? Or pull them out and put them back in Shelley where Emma felt like she was ignored by her teacher and I was not happy with how they taught the "core" curriculum, the extremely high level of expectation and the amount of homework and time it took to do it for elementary children. Or do I homeschool Emma and give her the undivided attention she feels (and rightly so) she deserves. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that there seems to be no clear choice. One thing does not feel better than the other. I am able to prioritize these choices into "good, better, best" and Jason is as unclear about the choice as I am...which is not surprising but comforting in a strange way. When I think about homeschool I feel good about that choice and I feel at peace. Jason is not on board with it. But he is not a person of "doing" but rather of letting "others do." I think his choice is to send them back to Shelley where they know people, we are comfortable with policies and procedures and where he thinks everything is honkey dorey. He doesn't have to deal with homework and volunteering and school politics like I do, so yes, that seems like the better choice for him. I can't put my finger on it but Shelley just does not bring me peace. Solution: We have given the choices to Emma with all of the pro's and con's of each one and have asked her to pray about it. I have made it very clear to her that this decision is not hers alone to make so that she does not feel overwhelmed with it, but feels like she is a part of the decision making and the solution. Her answer will speak louder and more than she knows. If she chooses Spectrum, she values the smaller class size and attention she gets there. If she chooses Shelley she values social and academics. If she chooses homeschool she values the attention she gets from me and being set apart from her siblings. It will be interesting to see what her little heart truly desires. My Solution: homeschool. I am actually looking forward to working with Emma one on one not just academically but personally as well. I can teach her cooking, music and other extra-curricular things, as well as, go on fun field trips and just get to know her better.
2) The Situation: Jason. Dilemma: He lacks in so many areas. Communication, Faith, determination, motivation, sticking to the plan, realizing his potential, aggressivness and applying himself, taking risks, paying the price, the list goes on and on. I know that if I were to make a list of myself it would be far longer and more humbling, but right now, the focus is on him. He wants more out of life but is unwilling to pay the price. He wants it handed to him. He wants someone else to make the decisions and do the work. He is not a "doer" in any sense of the word. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that I am tired of his lack of all of these things means suffering for my children and myself. We are in such turmoil while he fiddle-farts around with his life and now I am just angry at him. The man has no ambition. He wants more money yet he will not ask for a raise or give his employer a reason to promote him or look for a higher paying job. The job he has is awesome. He has friends, he has experience, he has seniority and yet they give the promotions to less experienced people. Why? Because they show ambition. They sell themselves and their qualifications. Jason does not. He won't look for another job because that involves taking a risk and being aggressive. It also requires sacrifice and paying a price. He is just waiting for someone to notice him and hand him what he wants. I know he wants me to go out and work but I am refusing to do that. Not only is not in accordance with what the Lord wants, but it is taking away his opportunity to DO and FIGHT for what he wants. He is an ostrich who buries his head in the sand until the discomfort and problems have faded away. I am the one who fights and protects and gives him the all clear. I pray and pray and pray that he will take the initiative and be the head of the household. That he will fight for his family rather than be stagnate in his life and with his choices. Solution: give in and get a job and kiss his butt for the rest of my life. Continue to live status quo and never aspire for anything else to happen or change. Because change is evil and why would we want that? My Solution: FIGHT TO THE DEATH! I am tired of sacrificing and the price is to high, but it is a price that must be paid if I want the change our family needs. I have decided to move forward without him. I have cut-out all that I can. I have sacrificed all that I can and we still come up short. It is time for him to sacrifice and pay the price. But in order for that to happen, I must continue on without him. Making those hard decisions on my own. Taking care of the children on my own. Living with the knowledge that there is not enough for our basic needs and for the time being there never will be. And I need to remind myself that if I want this change, this is the price I must pay.
3) Situation: Jason came home late from hunting the other day. Dilemma: I have barely spoken to him since then. Not only did he come home late, but he did not get in contact with me until he was on his way home. I had to cancel plans that were made and I worried the ENTIRE time he was past what I thought his arrival was supposed to be. He ruined a perfectly good day with me and the kids because of his lack of respect for me and my time and the children. Part of this anger stems from another situation the night before his hunting...I had to cancel plans with him that night because of Emma "faking sick" that day from school. I cancelled babysitters and waited to late to call her out on it and therefore I could not attend the little "team activity" with his work which entailed going up into the canyon and roasting hotdogs. Truth be told, that is not worth paying a babysitter for in the first place and so I did not put forth my best effort in trying to get another babysitter. However, when I told him that I was not going to be able to make it, he went on without me and that pissed me off! What it basically told me was that if I wanted to attend with him I needed to find someone to watch the kids. Otherwise, it was just a formality in the first place. He is constantly putting other things before his family and it's really starting to get on my nerves! He came home late that night as well. The children had not seen him for 48 hours and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He tried to apologize Saturday night when he came home late from hunting and told me that I could continue on with my plans (which was to go to a late movie with Kristy) because the kids wouldn't be along for too long. IDIOT! No, I did not go because I was not going to leave my kids alone late at night like that...and neither was Kristy. The other problem is that he did not go to the Priesthood Session of Conference. My children chose to leave their cousin's football game early because they wanted to get back in time to watch conference and I was so proud of them because that choice came without any prompts from me. I couldn't wait to tell Jason about this and the progress that was being made with them (situation #4) and the tears of happiness and joy to my heart that resulted. Only to be quashed by him NOT making the choice to end what he was doing and go to Conference. As usual, I cannnot look to him to be the example. Issue: the issue I have with this is that tonight he played the Martyr again and said that tomorrow would be his last day of hunting because it is causing way to many problems and it's not worth it. "It causes to many problems when I'm away and so I'm not going to go anymore." My response was to storm out of the room, muttering bull sh#% under my breath and proceed to vacuum the kitchen floor imagining that the vacuum was going over Jason's face. I HATE IT WHEN HE PLAYS THE MARTYR!!!!! I cannot talk to him about ANYTHING because he always, always, does this. There is no right way to talk to him about things. Either I'm being naggy and making him feel like he is worthless, or I'm just being a freaker-outer. Usually it's him being the martyr and trying to guilt me into being upset with whatever it was in the first place. Then I have to tell him that it's not him it's me and how wonderful and prefect he is because that's what his mother always does. So when I tell him something that I feel we need to work on together this is what I hear him say in my mind, "what? you mean I'm not perfect? my mother always told me I was. You are just being mean and I'm going to cry about it now until you take all of those mean things back and make me feel special again. You are not as perfect as me." Solution: Tell him how wonderful he is and how wrong I am and continue on with the belief that he can go out and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and I will continue to be treated like a prisoner with no parole. My Solution: Make him suffer and give up hunting if he's going to be a baby about it. If he wants to be part of the problem rather than the solution fine! My problem is solved!
4) The children have been following to much in their father's footsteps. Dilemma: when I ask the children to clean their room I always get weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth...and then the leave and go play with their friends anyway. If they do happen to go in an clean up their room, it is such a poor effort that it probably looked better when they didn't clean it rather than when they "cleaned" by piling everything on their bed and then pulling a sheet over it or throwing everything on top of a table or in the corner. I was pretty sick of it. And so I played the Little Red Hen with them that night. I chose not to make dinner for them and had Jason bring home Wendy's for the two of us. I asked them, "who will clean up their room?" "who will help with the dishes?" "who will put away their toys?" Not I! "who wants to eat this dinner from Wendy's?" I do! "Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't help clean your room, you didn't help with the dishes, you didn't clean up your toys. So I will eat this all by myself." and she did. Issue: aside from the obvious issues with the children, what made it worse was Jason getting involved by telling the children how much it hurt him to see them disrespect me and treat me like that and blah, blah, blah with tears and everything. He said some not so nice things to children and they all felt horrible and cried and cried. He basically played the martyr to the children and they had the same reaction as I did, guilt. That was the last thing he said to them before he didn't see them again for 48 hours (situation #3). How dare he say that to them when he does the same thing to me on a daily basis!! Where does he think they learned that behavior from? I ignored him and went on to tell the children that I loved them and that I just needed their help. Solution: Keep going over this lesson over and over and over until it is learned. Which involves more threats and more weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from all involved. My Solution: Father in his gentle ways, helped me to see that I am forcing my children to grow up to fast. That I am trying to turn them all into adults rather than let them be children and play. I resolved then and there that play time and friends really were more important than a clean room. I can clean their room and do the dishes and all of that while they go and play. And when they ask to help or are near by then I can have them help. I want my children to have a happy childhood like I did and not an empty one like their father. I will teach them how to do things through my example. When they turn 12 then they enter into the "young adult" world and I can focus on those more adult things then. Sorry Maddie that I am figuring this out when you will be 12 in 6 months. But I hope to reconcile it soon. I just have to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I am choosing to give and a price I am willing to pay for the outcome that I want.
Getting all of this out has helped me clear my mind, but it has not calmed my anger for Jason...in fact, it probably only made it worse. I will try to repent and calm myself down before he goes hunting in the morning. I did send him a text before I started writing this that said I love you and be safe so that my last words him are not cruel in case something happens. But yet again, my attitude is that I am doing something to rectify the situation and he is in bed sleeping doing nothing. I am trying to take the counsel of the apostles in our recent conference and not take offense so easily, but that requires a change of heart on my part. I thought I was doing well in that department but this week has proven otherwise and I need to repent and turn to my scriptures more often. I have been listening to those talks over and over the past two days, but I need to do more.
I have run out of words to say so I guess that means there is no more analyzing left and there is no more thinking on these matters tonight.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Sept. 25, 2014
Today is Thursday. I did not have a fantastic day today. I woke up and right now I am so exhausted I can't even finish this entry. I'll have to play catch up another day.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Sept. 24, 2014
9:17 am- One of my favorite things in the morning is driving the kids to school. I love listening to my children sing along with the radio and sing their hearts out. I love it when they tell me to turn it up because it is their favorite song (which of course is most of them) and then they just get into it and sing at the top of their lungs. I especially love it when my little Zekey tells me "Mom, up. Mom, up." Because he wants me to turn it up. And then he says, "Mom, up, mine." Because this is his favorite song. And when I turn it up he says, "gank you." And then proceeds to hum and sing right along with the song. Right now as I am writing this, Olivia is sitting next to me singing, "you're gonna catch a cold. Who do you think you are" which is a song she heard on the radio this morning. I love that all of my children have developed a love for music and can appreciate all different types of music...right down to my smallest little munchkin!
3:00 pm- I spent an hour and a half talking to my good friend Lara Orchard about the dilemma I'm having with pulling Emma and Nathan out of school and where to put them next. She talked with me, comforted me, and helped me to sort out my feelings. After I left her I felt better about home schooling Emma. But when I talked to Jason about it I still don't think he's on board. I would have stayed to talk longer but I had an appointment with a Sports Medicine Dr. about my knee. So I dropped the boys off at Lacey's house to play with Anderson and headed to my appointment. The long-story-short version is that he set me up to do some physical therapy to try and get my hips aligned. My hips have always been off center and I discovered that I have mild scoliosis in my lower back when I was about 20 years old. Having children has made this all worse and apparently now is affecting my knees. He thinks that if we work on the hips we will in turn work on everything else below them. It sounds smart to me and I avoid unnecessary tests and surgeries. So we'll try that for 3-4 weeks and see how it goes.
5:00 pm- I picked up Olivia from school and then went home and made some rice krispie treats for after school snack. Made cheese enchiladas for dinner and while they cooked Jason, Nathan and Isaac and I played a little flag football with each other. Had a wonderful dinner and then the whole family went outside and played soccer together with the Silverio children in the front yard. I scored several goals and we had a blast.
11:59 pm- After dinner, while we cleaned up and the kids were outside, Jason and I talked about school again. Em's teacher had sent out an e-mail that talked about what they did in her math class, in response to parents having a discussion about it in her math class. She confirmed a little of what Emma had talked to us about last night...there are a few children who have meltdowns and the ones she mentioned lasted 20 minutes and 30 minutes. It made the decision of pulling her out of school easier because we know that her concerns are valid, but the decision of where to put her is still hard. I know that I am over complicating things. She should just go back to Shelley and it should all just end there. I told Jason that my anxiety comes from making another wrong decision with her. I know Spectrum was the right decision for Maddie...at least I thought I did...she's afraid to go to school because of a boy named "PG3" who is threatening her, "master puppeting" her and threatening her friends as well. According to her he tried to strangle someone and tried to hit them with a chair the other day. What the heck is going on over there?!?!? Anyway, I obviously missed something crucial with Emma last year in school and ended up making the same mistake but on a bigger scale this time. I don't want that to happen again. I really do not know what is Emma's specific problem and I don't even know if she knows. She wants attention but she's not sure how to get it? She wants attention but from who? She wants attention but what kind? What is she trying to tell me?! I sat here for a second and had an awful feeling that made me feel that it is unsafe for my children to go to school tomorrow...I am going to follow it. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow but my children are more important and I will work it out. I hate it when I get these awful feelings about my children. Most of the time I know that they are just my mind playing tricks on me. I think about different scenarios and I have such a fear of something bad happening to my children that they become reality. But I never know what "could" have happened because I always follow my feelings when they are sinking, fearful and just plain scare the hell out of me. I know that those feelings are not the feelings of the Spirit but I think I will feel better about sending them to school after I talk about all of this with the principal. Right now I just fear for my children's lives.
Before I went to bed I watched a movie with Jason...well I watched it, he fell asleep as usual. I watched the new Captain America:Winter Soldier movie. Pretty good! But now my adrenaline is pumped so I'm writing in my journal.
I'm going to post my concerns on the new parents facebook page and then pray, pray, and pray some more and then hope that tomorrow brings better answers than today.
3:00 pm- I spent an hour and a half talking to my good friend Lara Orchard about the dilemma I'm having with pulling Emma and Nathan out of school and where to put them next. She talked with me, comforted me, and helped me to sort out my feelings. After I left her I felt better about home schooling Emma. But when I talked to Jason about it I still don't think he's on board. I would have stayed to talk longer but I had an appointment with a Sports Medicine Dr. about my knee. So I dropped the boys off at Lacey's house to play with Anderson and headed to my appointment. The long-story-short version is that he set me up to do some physical therapy to try and get my hips aligned. My hips have always been off center and I discovered that I have mild scoliosis in my lower back when I was about 20 years old. Having children has made this all worse and apparently now is affecting my knees. He thinks that if we work on the hips we will in turn work on everything else below them. It sounds smart to me and I avoid unnecessary tests and surgeries. So we'll try that for 3-4 weeks and see how it goes.
5:00 pm- I picked up Olivia from school and then went home and made some rice krispie treats for after school snack. Made cheese enchiladas for dinner and while they cooked Jason, Nathan and Isaac and I played a little flag football with each other. Had a wonderful dinner and then the whole family went outside and played soccer together with the Silverio children in the front yard. I scored several goals and we had a blast.
11:59 pm- After dinner, while we cleaned up and the kids were outside, Jason and I talked about school again. Em's teacher had sent out an e-mail that talked about what they did in her math class, in response to parents having a discussion about it in her math class. She confirmed a little of what Emma had talked to us about last night...there are a few children who have meltdowns and the ones she mentioned lasted 20 minutes and 30 minutes. It made the decision of pulling her out of school easier because we know that her concerns are valid, but the decision of where to put her is still hard. I know that I am over complicating things. She should just go back to Shelley and it should all just end there. I told Jason that my anxiety comes from making another wrong decision with her. I know Spectrum was the right decision for Maddie...at least I thought I did...she's afraid to go to school because of a boy named "PG3" who is threatening her, "master puppeting" her and threatening her friends as well. According to her he tried to strangle someone and tried to hit them with a chair the other day. What the heck is going on over there?!?!? Anyway, I obviously missed something crucial with Emma last year in school and ended up making the same mistake but on a bigger scale this time. I don't want that to happen again. I really do not know what is Emma's specific problem and I don't even know if she knows. She wants attention but she's not sure how to get it? She wants attention but from who? She wants attention but what kind? What is she trying to tell me?! I sat here for a second and had an awful feeling that made me feel that it is unsafe for my children to go to school tomorrow...I am going to follow it. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow but my children are more important and I will work it out. I hate it when I get these awful feelings about my children. Most of the time I know that they are just my mind playing tricks on me. I think about different scenarios and I have such a fear of something bad happening to my children that they become reality. But I never know what "could" have happened because I always follow my feelings when they are sinking, fearful and just plain scare the hell out of me. I know that those feelings are not the feelings of the Spirit but I think I will feel better about sending them to school after I talk about all of this with the principal. Right now I just fear for my children's lives.
Before I went to bed I watched a movie with Jason...well I watched it, he fell asleep as usual. I watched the new Captain America:Winter Soldier movie. Pretty good! But now my adrenaline is pumped so I'm writing in my journal.
I'm going to post my concerns on the new parents facebook page and then pray, pray, and pray some more and then hope that tomorrow brings better answers than today.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Sept. 23, 2014 10:21pm
Today is Tuesday. It started out as any other normal day. My knee hurt so I didn't sleep well and my chest hurt, as it usually does when I am laying down. I got up, got the kids up and started breakfast. I wanted to make banana muffins but couldn't find my bananas so I made cottage cheese and pears instead. We got ready for the school day and headed out to get loaded in the car to pick up Harvey and go to school-me still in my pajamas. We dropped off Maddie, Emma, Nathan, and Harvey and Olivia and Isaac and I took our usual route home.
When we got home I quickly finished up some emails and facebook checks that I needed to do and then Olivia and I did some worksheets together. She loved it. I worked with her on writing her name and we worked on the letter A and a few numbers today. She loves to learn! Isaac enjoyed watching a basketball DVD and then coming and sitting on my lap while Livvy did her papers. Afterwards, she was free to go play with her friend Anderson but he wasn't home. So we played and worked together here at home.
We went and picked up Nate from school and then came home and had lunch, got Livvy ready for school and took her to preschool. I was still in my pajamas and had no desire to get dressed, so I had Nate walk her to class. I got to be lazy and he got to feel important. When we got home I finished my lunch and then put Isaac down for a nap. Nathan and I did a few worksheets together. He just really wants to learn and he's not learning as much as he wants at school so I'm doing a few workbooks with him. He loved it and loves feeling smart. Then I let him go outside and play until it was time to pick up Livvy from school. Still in my pajamas so he went and got her for me.
For afte-rschool snack I made some pretzel bites with marinara sauce and we had "teatime" when the girls got home from school. Lots to discuss about that. Plus, the children had quite the shock when they came home and found many of their clothes and shoes in the "Mommy Jail" because they didn't pick them up. I think they thought I was kidding about that, despite my many warnings that I was not kidding about that.
Yesterday at tea time I told the children I was done with them being slobs and disrespectful to their belongings and not doing their chores. So I told them that this week we were going to work on picking up our clothes and shoes from off the floor. I told them that when they were at school I would go into their rooms and any clothes and shoes I found not put away would be picked up and put in the Mommy Jail. Because I had to do their chore, if they wanted to get those things out of jail they would have to do one of my chores. Anything still in the basket on Saturday would be taken to the DI and would not be replaced with something new. So, this means that there is a possibility that some of my children would be going to school naked. We had a FHE lesson on being responsible like Mormon and Moroni and doing our chores with a "Big Ol' Smile!" Before we left for school I reminded the children about this and they all seemed fairly confident in themselves. Well, needless to say, they were unhappy when they came home. Most of the basket was filled to the top with Olivia's things and Maddie's things. Emma had one pair of shoes in there and threw the biggest fit of all the children. Nate had a BYU jersey in there and immediately asked what chore he could do to get it out. Emma was given the chore of cleaning the upstairs bathroom. She didn't do it hardly at all but still expected to get her shoes out. So that led to yet another tantrum and then her telling me that she had just had a really bad day at school which I knew wasn't true because she didn't say that at tea time. So that led to more tears and frustration on both parties and a long discussion with mom and dad in their room.
In order to move forward with that conversation I need to remind myself of past details. This school year we pulled the kids from Shelley Elementary and sent them to Spectrum Academy which is a Charter School for children on the Autism Spectrum. Not just for them, but specialized for them. This is the very first year for this campus in Pleasant Grove and it has only been a month in school. So we are still working out some kinks. Maddie had the most anxiety about going and Emma and Nate were so excited to go. Now that we have given it a month, Maddie loves it and has had the easiest time transitioning. Emma and Nathan not so much. Emma has made up serious lies about kids fighting, pushing her off swings, having to go to OT to calm down or release energy, or that kids fight all the time and she is afraid it will happen to her. I take these things very seriously and to heart and when I confront the teacher about it I find out that Emma is lying to me about all of it. Nothing like this is going on. This is not normal n r for Emma and it has me extremely worried. Nathan got kicked in the mouth by one of the autistic children and complains that they don't do any papers or writing or math. School is not turning out to be what he expected, and quite frankly, this school is not turning out to be what I had expected either.
Jason and I spent a lot of time talking about this school and praying about it and we both felt really good about it. I didn't just feel good about it, I was EXCITED about it. I felt like this decision was going to solve a lot of problems for us. I was even willing to stay in this house for at least another 4 years so we could be close to the school until it was time for Maddie to go to High School and then we could move. I was willing to "work with what I have" as far as this house is concerned and I even was excited about that decision. Lately I have just felt that all of my sacrifices have been for nothing. School is not working out. Financially I have made sacrifices that have been extremely hard for me so that I can help out with the money situation and feel like I am contributing to the account rather than always taking away from it. But I am not seeing any benefits from that either.
Truth be told, I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made and I feel like I am the only one sacrificing or making the decisions. Jason claims that changing the kids school was a decision we both made, but that's not how I remember it. He claims that he is making financial sacrifices as well, but they are not anywhere near to the scale of the sacrifices I am making. I'm tired of having to do it all myself!!!
So, in the end what was the decision? Emma came up with the decision to try and help when the kids at school are having a hard time and maybe that will help her feel better about the kids at school. We have been trying to teach the children to be a part of the solution rather than the problem so this is a good decision for her. She is vying for attention and being deceitful and manipulative in order to get that attention. I thought about home schooling her for a year so that she has attention and gets her education at the same time. Jason is not on board with that decision. I thought about changing her to one of the other Charter Schools that we had applied to and I don't think he is really on board with that either. I think he just wants to send the kids back to Shelley or stick it out at Spectrum a little longer.
I really do not know what to do in this situation. I have been struggling with the fact that I do not have time with my children and then when I do have time with them I get annoyed that they all want my undivided attention at the same time. My house is falling apart from the inside out and I don't know how to keep it all together! My anxiety is back up and I felt like I was doing really well with that for a while. I just need to take this matter to my Father in Heaven and sleep on it tonight and wake up and see what new thoughts my brain has dug up. I tend to over analyze everything and get myself all worked up over nothing. For instance, it irritates me that Jason is sleeping soundly next to me while I am agonizing and feel like a storm is just brewing inside me over what to do with the kids! Satan uses this to his advantage by putting thoughts into my head that he doesn't care because he knows you'll just take care of it. What difference does it make to him where the kids go to school or whether or not they feel they are getting attention? He gets to go to work every day and not deal with all of this.
So, I just have to say "get thee behind me!" and cast him out and try to sing hymns, and remind myself that Jason is a wonderful man because he truly is and that it is my overworking brain trying to confuse me. And I pray and pray and pray for peace and comfort in my heart and try it all again in the morning!
When we got home I quickly finished up some emails and facebook checks that I needed to do and then Olivia and I did some worksheets together. She loved it. I worked with her on writing her name and we worked on the letter A and a few numbers today. She loves to learn! Isaac enjoyed watching a basketball DVD and then coming and sitting on my lap while Livvy did her papers. Afterwards, she was free to go play with her friend Anderson but he wasn't home. So we played and worked together here at home.
We went and picked up Nate from school and then came home and had lunch, got Livvy ready for school and took her to preschool. I was still in my pajamas and had no desire to get dressed, so I had Nate walk her to class. I got to be lazy and he got to feel important. When we got home I finished my lunch and then put Isaac down for a nap. Nathan and I did a few worksheets together. He just really wants to learn and he's not learning as much as he wants at school so I'm doing a few workbooks with him. He loved it and loves feeling smart. Then I let him go outside and play until it was time to pick up Livvy from school. Still in my pajamas so he went and got her for me.
For afte-rschool snack I made some pretzel bites with marinara sauce and we had "teatime" when the girls got home from school. Lots to discuss about that. Plus, the children had quite the shock when they came home and found many of their clothes and shoes in the "Mommy Jail" because they didn't pick them up. I think they thought I was kidding about that, despite my many warnings that I was not kidding about that.
Yesterday at tea time I told the children I was done with them being slobs and disrespectful to their belongings and not doing their chores. So I told them that this week we were going to work on picking up our clothes and shoes from off the floor. I told them that when they were at school I would go into their rooms and any clothes and shoes I found not put away would be picked up and put in the Mommy Jail. Because I had to do their chore, if they wanted to get those things out of jail they would have to do one of my chores. Anything still in the basket on Saturday would be taken to the DI and would not be replaced with something new. So, this means that there is a possibility that some of my children would be going to school naked. We had a FHE lesson on being responsible like Mormon and Moroni and doing our chores with a "Big Ol' Smile!" Before we left for school I reminded the children about this and they all seemed fairly confident in themselves. Well, needless to say, they were unhappy when they came home. Most of the basket was filled to the top with Olivia's things and Maddie's things. Emma had one pair of shoes in there and threw the biggest fit of all the children. Nate had a BYU jersey in there and immediately asked what chore he could do to get it out. Emma was given the chore of cleaning the upstairs bathroom. She didn't do it hardly at all but still expected to get her shoes out. So that led to yet another tantrum and then her telling me that she had just had a really bad day at school which I knew wasn't true because she didn't say that at tea time. So that led to more tears and frustration on both parties and a long discussion with mom and dad in their room.
In order to move forward with that conversation I need to remind myself of past details. This school year we pulled the kids from Shelley Elementary and sent them to Spectrum Academy which is a Charter School for children on the Autism Spectrum. Not just for them, but specialized for them. This is the very first year for this campus in Pleasant Grove and it has only been a month in school. So we are still working out some kinks. Maddie had the most anxiety about going and Emma and Nate were so excited to go. Now that we have given it a month, Maddie loves it and has had the easiest time transitioning. Emma and Nathan not so much. Emma has made up serious lies about kids fighting, pushing her off swings, having to go to OT to calm down or release energy, or that kids fight all the time and she is afraid it will happen to her. I take these things very seriously and to heart and when I confront the teacher about it I find out that Emma is lying to me about all of it. Nothing like this is going on. This is not normal n r for Emma and it has me extremely worried. Nathan got kicked in the mouth by one of the autistic children and complains that they don't do any papers or writing or math. School is not turning out to be what he expected, and quite frankly, this school is not turning out to be what I had expected either.
Jason and I spent a lot of time talking about this school and praying about it and we both felt really good about it. I didn't just feel good about it, I was EXCITED about it. I felt like this decision was going to solve a lot of problems for us. I was even willing to stay in this house for at least another 4 years so we could be close to the school until it was time for Maddie to go to High School and then we could move. I was willing to "work with what I have" as far as this house is concerned and I even was excited about that decision. Lately I have just felt that all of my sacrifices have been for nothing. School is not working out. Financially I have made sacrifices that have been extremely hard for me so that I can help out with the money situation and feel like I am contributing to the account rather than always taking away from it. But I am not seeing any benefits from that either.
Truth be told, I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made and I feel like I am the only one sacrificing or making the decisions. Jason claims that changing the kids school was a decision we both made, but that's not how I remember it. He claims that he is making financial sacrifices as well, but they are not anywhere near to the scale of the sacrifices I am making. I'm tired of having to do it all myself!!!
So, in the end what was the decision? Emma came up with the decision to try and help when the kids at school are having a hard time and maybe that will help her feel better about the kids at school. We have been trying to teach the children to be a part of the solution rather than the problem so this is a good decision for her. She is vying for attention and being deceitful and manipulative in order to get that attention. I thought about home schooling her for a year so that she has attention and gets her education at the same time. Jason is not on board with that decision. I thought about changing her to one of the other Charter Schools that we had applied to and I don't think he is really on board with that either. I think he just wants to send the kids back to Shelley or stick it out at Spectrum a little longer.
I really do not know what to do in this situation. I have been struggling with the fact that I do not have time with my children and then when I do have time with them I get annoyed that they all want my undivided attention at the same time. My house is falling apart from the inside out and I don't know how to keep it all together! My anxiety is back up and I felt like I was doing really well with that for a while. I just need to take this matter to my Father in Heaven and sleep on it tonight and wake up and see what new thoughts my brain has dug up. I tend to over analyze everything and get myself all worked up over nothing. For instance, it irritates me that Jason is sleeping soundly next to me while I am agonizing and feel like a storm is just brewing inside me over what to do with the kids! Satan uses this to his advantage by putting thoughts into my head that he doesn't care because he knows you'll just take care of it. What difference does it make to him where the kids go to school or whether or not they feel they are getting attention? He gets to go to work every day and not deal with all of this.
So, I just have to say "get thee behind me!" and cast him out and try to sing hymns, and remind myself that Jason is a wonderful man because he truly is and that it is my overworking brain trying to confuse me. And I pray and pray and pray for peace and comfort in my heart and try it all again in the morning!
Sept. 23, 2014
I have been wanted to start this blog for about a year now. I wanted to have a diary or journal that would literally talk about each day of my life so that when my children read it they would know what life was like being their mother. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the proud moments. That's a lot to write by hand and I am not as good at keeping a journal as I used to be. So, this little blurb will just be a start to what I hope will be a continuing journal.
Last night Nathan came into our room and said, "Dad, Isaac is laying in his bed and keeps whispering, ya ya Cougars! and he's keeping me awake." How adorable is that?!
Last night Nathan came into our room and said, "Dad, Isaac is laying in his bed and keeps whispering, ya ya Cougars! and he's keeping me awake." How adorable is that?!
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