Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Sept. 25, 2014
Today is Thursday. I did not have a fantastic day today. I woke up and right now I am so exhausted I can't even finish this entry. I'll have to play catch up another day.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Sept. 24, 2014
9:17 am- One of my favorite things in the morning is driving the kids to school. I love listening to my children sing along with the radio and sing their hearts out. I love it when they tell me to turn it up because it is their favorite song (which of course is most of them) and then they just get into it and sing at the top of their lungs. I especially love it when my little Zekey tells me "Mom, up. Mom, up." Because he wants me to turn it up. And then he says, "Mom, up, mine." Because this is his favorite song. And when I turn it up he says, "gank you." And then proceeds to hum and sing right along with the song. Right now as I am writing this, Olivia is sitting next to me singing, "you're gonna catch a cold. Who do you think you are" which is a song she heard on the radio this morning. I love that all of my children have developed a love for music and can appreciate all different types of music...right down to my smallest little munchkin!
3:00 pm- I spent an hour and a half talking to my good friend Lara Orchard about the dilemma I'm having with pulling Emma and Nathan out of school and where to put them next. She talked with me, comforted me, and helped me to sort out my feelings. After I left her I felt better about home schooling Emma. But when I talked to Jason about it I still don't think he's on board. I would have stayed to talk longer but I had an appointment with a Sports Medicine Dr. about my knee. So I dropped the boys off at Lacey's house to play with Anderson and headed to my appointment. The long-story-short version is that he set me up to do some physical therapy to try and get my hips aligned. My hips have always been off center and I discovered that I have mild scoliosis in my lower back when I was about 20 years old. Having children has made this all worse and apparently now is affecting my knees. He thinks that if we work on the hips we will in turn work on everything else below them. It sounds smart to me and I avoid unnecessary tests and surgeries. So we'll try that for 3-4 weeks and see how it goes.
5:00 pm- I picked up Olivia from school and then went home and made some rice krispie treats for after school snack. Made cheese enchiladas for dinner and while they cooked Jason, Nathan and Isaac and I played a little flag football with each other. Had a wonderful dinner and then the whole family went outside and played soccer together with the Silverio children in the front yard. I scored several goals and we had a blast.
11:59 pm- After dinner, while we cleaned up and the kids were outside, Jason and I talked about school again. Em's teacher had sent out an e-mail that talked about what they did in her math class, in response to parents having a discussion about it in her math class. She confirmed a little of what Emma had talked to us about last night...there are a few children who have meltdowns and the ones she mentioned lasted 20 minutes and 30 minutes. It made the decision of pulling her out of school easier because we know that her concerns are valid, but the decision of where to put her is still hard. I know that I am over complicating things. She should just go back to Shelley and it should all just end there. I told Jason that my anxiety comes from making another wrong decision with her. I know Spectrum was the right decision for Maddie...at least I thought I did...she's afraid to go to school because of a boy named "PG3" who is threatening her, "master puppeting" her and threatening her friends as well. According to her he tried to strangle someone and tried to hit them with a chair the other day. What the heck is going on over there?!?!? Anyway, I obviously missed something crucial with Emma last year in school and ended up making the same mistake but on a bigger scale this time. I don't want that to happen again. I really do not know what is Emma's specific problem and I don't even know if she knows. She wants attention but she's not sure how to get it? She wants attention but from who? She wants attention but what kind? What is she trying to tell me?! I sat here for a second and had an awful feeling that made me feel that it is unsafe for my children to go to school tomorrow...I am going to follow it. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow but my children are more important and I will work it out. I hate it when I get these awful feelings about my children. Most of the time I know that they are just my mind playing tricks on me. I think about different scenarios and I have such a fear of something bad happening to my children that they become reality. But I never know what "could" have happened because I always follow my feelings when they are sinking, fearful and just plain scare the hell out of me. I know that those feelings are not the feelings of the Spirit but I think I will feel better about sending them to school after I talk about all of this with the principal. Right now I just fear for my children's lives.
Before I went to bed I watched a movie with Jason...well I watched it, he fell asleep as usual. I watched the new Captain America:Winter Soldier movie. Pretty good! But now my adrenaline is pumped so I'm writing in my journal.
I'm going to post my concerns on the new parents facebook page and then pray, pray, and pray some more and then hope that tomorrow brings better answers than today.
3:00 pm- I spent an hour and a half talking to my good friend Lara Orchard about the dilemma I'm having with pulling Emma and Nathan out of school and where to put them next. She talked with me, comforted me, and helped me to sort out my feelings. After I left her I felt better about home schooling Emma. But when I talked to Jason about it I still don't think he's on board. I would have stayed to talk longer but I had an appointment with a Sports Medicine Dr. about my knee. So I dropped the boys off at Lacey's house to play with Anderson and headed to my appointment. The long-story-short version is that he set me up to do some physical therapy to try and get my hips aligned. My hips have always been off center and I discovered that I have mild scoliosis in my lower back when I was about 20 years old. Having children has made this all worse and apparently now is affecting my knees. He thinks that if we work on the hips we will in turn work on everything else below them. It sounds smart to me and I avoid unnecessary tests and surgeries. So we'll try that for 3-4 weeks and see how it goes.
5:00 pm- I picked up Olivia from school and then went home and made some rice krispie treats for after school snack. Made cheese enchiladas for dinner and while they cooked Jason, Nathan and Isaac and I played a little flag football with each other. Had a wonderful dinner and then the whole family went outside and played soccer together with the Silverio children in the front yard. I scored several goals and we had a blast.
11:59 pm- After dinner, while we cleaned up and the kids were outside, Jason and I talked about school again. Em's teacher had sent out an e-mail that talked about what they did in her math class, in response to parents having a discussion about it in her math class. She confirmed a little of what Emma had talked to us about last night...there are a few children who have meltdowns and the ones she mentioned lasted 20 minutes and 30 minutes. It made the decision of pulling her out of school easier because we know that her concerns are valid, but the decision of where to put her is still hard. I know that I am over complicating things. She should just go back to Shelley and it should all just end there. I told Jason that my anxiety comes from making another wrong decision with her. I know Spectrum was the right decision for Maddie...at least I thought I did...she's afraid to go to school because of a boy named "PG3" who is threatening her, "master puppeting" her and threatening her friends as well. According to her he tried to strangle someone and tried to hit them with a chair the other day. What the heck is going on over there?!?!? Anyway, I obviously missed something crucial with Emma last year in school and ended up making the same mistake but on a bigger scale this time. I don't want that to happen again. I really do not know what is Emma's specific problem and I don't even know if she knows. She wants attention but she's not sure how to get it? She wants attention but from who? She wants attention but what kind? What is she trying to tell me?! I sat here for a second and had an awful feeling that made me feel that it is unsafe for my children to go to school tomorrow...I am going to follow it. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow but my children are more important and I will work it out. I hate it when I get these awful feelings about my children. Most of the time I know that they are just my mind playing tricks on me. I think about different scenarios and I have such a fear of something bad happening to my children that they become reality. But I never know what "could" have happened because I always follow my feelings when they are sinking, fearful and just plain scare the hell out of me. I know that those feelings are not the feelings of the Spirit but I think I will feel better about sending them to school after I talk about all of this with the principal. Right now I just fear for my children's lives.
Before I went to bed I watched a movie with Jason...well I watched it, he fell asleep as usual. I watched the new Captain America:Winter Soldier movie. Pretty good! But now my adrenaline is pumped so I'm writing in my journal.
I'm going to post my concerns on the new parents facebook page and then pray, pray, and pray some more and then hope that tomorrow brings better answers than today.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Sept. 23, 2014 10:21pm
Today is Tuesday. It started out as any other normal day. My knee hurt so I didn't sleep well and my chest hurt, as it usually does when I am laying down. I got up, got the kids up and started breakfast. I wanted to make banana muffins but couldn't find my bananas so I made cottage cheese and pears instead. We got ready for the school day and headed out to get loaded in the car to pick up Harvey and go to school-me still in my pajamas. We dropped off Maddie, Emma, Nathan, and Harvey and Olivia and Isaac and I took our usual route home.
When we got home I quickly finished up some emails and facebook checks that I needed to do and then Olivia and I did some worksheets together. She loved it. I worked with her on writing her name and we worked on the letter A and a few numbers today. She loves to learn! Isaac enjoyed watching a basketball DVD and then coming and sitting on my lap while Livvy did her papers. Afterwards, she was free to go play with her friend Anderson but he wasn't home. So we played and worked together here at home.
We went and picked up Nate from school and then came home and had lunch, got Livvy ready for school and took her to preschool. I was still in my pajamas and had no desire to get dressed, so I had Nate walk her to class. I got to be lazy and he got to feel important. When we got home I finished my lunch and then put Isaac down for a nap. Nathan and I did a few worksheets together. He just really wants to learn and he's not learning as much as he wants at school so I'm doing a few workbooks with him. He loved it and loves feeling smart. Then I let him go outside and play until it was time to pick up Livvy from school. Still in my pajamas so he went and got her for me.
For afte-rschool snack I made some pretzel bites with marinara sauce and we had "teatime" when the girls got home from school. Lots to discuss about that. Plus, the children had quite the shock when they came home and found many of their clothes and shoes in the "Mommy Jail" because they didn't pick them up. I think they thought I was kidding about that, despite my many warnings that I was not kidding about that.
Yesterday at tea time I told the children I was done with them being slobs and disrespectful to their belongings and not doing their chores. So I told them that this week we were going to work on picking up our clothes and shoes from off the floor. I told them that when they were at school I would go into their rooms and any clothes and shoes I found not put away would be picked up and put in the Mommy Jail. Because I had to do their chore, if they wanted to get those things out of jail they would have to do one of my chores. Anything still in the basket on Saturday would be taken to the DI and would not be replaced with something new. So, this means that there is a possibility that some of my children would be going to school naked. We had a FHE lesson on being responsible like Mormon and Moroni and doing our chores with a "Big Ol' Smile!" Before we left for school I reminded the children about this and they all seemed fairly confident in themselves. Well, needless to say, they were unhappy when they came home. Most of the basket was filled to the top with Olivia's things and Maddie's things. Emma had one pair of shoes in there and threw the biggest fit of all the children. Nate had a BYU jersey in there and immediately asked what chore he could do to get it out. Emma was given the chore of cleaning the upstairs bathroom. She didn't do it hardly at all but still expected to get her shoes out. So that led to yet another tantrum and then her telling me that she had just had a really bad day at school which I knew wasn't true because she didn't say that at tea time. So that led to more tears and frustration on both parties and a long discussion with mom and dad in their room.
In order to move forward with that conversation I need to remind myself of past details. This school year we pulled the kids from Shelley Elementary and sent them to Spectrum Academy which is a Charter School for children on the Autism Spectrum. Not just for them, but specialized for them. This is the very first year for this campus in Pleasant Grove and it has only been a month in school. So we are still working out some kinks. Maddie had the most anxiety about going and Emma and Nate were so excited to go. Now that we have given it a month, Maddie loves it and has had the easiest time transitioning. Emma and Nathan not so much. Emma has made up serious lies about kids fighting, pushing her off swings, having to go to OT to calm down or release energy, or that kids fight all the time and she is afraid it will happen to her. I take these things very seriously and to heart and when I confront the teacher about it I find out that Emma is lying to me about all of it. Nothing like this is going on. This is not normal n r for Emma and it has me extremely worried. Nathan got kicked in the mouth by one of the autistic children and complains that they don't do any papers or writing or math. School is not turning out to be what he expected, and quite frankly, this school is not turning out to be what I had expected either.
Jason and I spent a lot of time talking about this school and praying about it and we both felt really good about it. I didn't just feel good about it, I was EXCITED about it. I felt like this decision was going to solve a lot of problems for us. I was even willing to stay in this house for at least another 4 years so we could be close to the school until it was time for Maddie to go to High School and then we could move. I was willing to "work with what I have" as far as this house is concerned and I even was excited about that decision. Lately I have just felt that all of my sacrifices have been for nothing. School is not working out. Financially I have made sacrifices that have been extremely hard for me so that I can help out with the money situation and feel like I am contributing to the account rather than always taking away from it. But I am not seeing any benefits from that either.
Truth be told, I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made and I feel like I am the only one sacrificing or making the decisions. Jason claims that changing the kids school was a decision we both made, but that's not how I remember it. He claims that he is making financial sacrifices as well, but they are not anywhere near to the scale of the sacrifices I am making. I'm tired of having to do it all myself!!!
So, in the end what was the decision? Emma came up with the decision to try and help when the kids at school are having a hard time and maybe that will help her feel better about the kids at school. We have been trying to teach the children to be a part of the solution rather than the problem so this is a good decision for her. She is vying for attention and being deceitful and manipulative in order to get that attention. I thought about home schooling her for a year so that she has attention and gets her education at the same time. Jason is not on board with that decision. I thought about changing her to one of the other Charter Schools that we had applied to and I don't think he is really on board with that either. I think he just wants to send the kids back to Shelley or stick it out at Spectrum a little longer.
I really do not know what to do in this situation. I have been struggling with the fact that I do not have time with my children and then when I do have time with them I get annoyed that they all want my undivided attention at the same time. My house is falling apart from the inside out and I don't know how to keep it all together! My anxiety is back up and I felt like I was doing really well with that for a while. I just need to take this matter to my Father in Heaven and sleep on it tonight and wake up and see what new thoughts my brain has dug up. I tend to over analyze everything and get myself all worked up over nothing. For instance, it irritates me that Jason is sleeping soundly next to me while I am agonizing and feel like a storm is just brewing inside me over what to do with the kids! Satan uses this to his advantage by putting thoughts into my head that he doesn't care because he knows you'll just take care of it. What difference does it make to him where the kids go to school or whether or not they feel they are getting attention? He gets to go to work every day and not deal with all of this.
So, I just have to say "get thee behind me!" and cast him out and try to sing hymns, and remind myself that Jason is a wonderful man because he truly is and that it is my overworking brain trying to confuse me. And I pray and pray and pray for peace and comfort in my heart and try it all again in the morning!
When we got home I quickly finished up some emails and facebook checks that I needed to do and then Olivia and I did some worksheets together. She loved it. I worked with her on writing her name and we worked on the letter A and a few numbers today. She loves to learn! Isaac enjoyed watching a basketball DVD and then coming and sitting on my lap while Livvy did her papers. Afterwards, she was free to go play with her friend Anderson but he wasn't home. So we played and worked together here at home.
We went and picked up Nate from school and then came home and had lunch, got Livvy ready for school and took her to preschool. I was still in my pajamas and had no desire to get dressed, so I had Nate walk her to class. I got to be lazy and he got to feel important. When we got home I finished my lunch and then put Isaac down for a nap. Nathan and I did a few worksheets together. He just really wants to learn and he's not learning as much as he wants at school so I'm doing a few workbooks with him. He loved it and loves feeling smart. Then I let him go outside and play until it was time to pick up Livvy from school. Still in my pajamas so he went and got her for me.
For afte-rschool snack I made some pretzel bites with marinara sauce and we had "teatime" when the girls got home from school. Lots to discuss about that. Plus, the children had quite the shock when they came home and found many of their clothes and shoes in the "Mommy Jail" because they didn't pick them up. I think they thought I was kidding about that, despite my many warnings that I was not kidding about that.
Yesterday at tea time I told the children I was done with them being slobs and disrespectful to their belongings and not doing their chores. So I told them that this week we were going to work on picking up our clothes and shoes from off the floor. I told them that when they were at school I would go into their rooms and any clothes and shoes I found not put away would be picked up and put in the Mommy Jail. Because I had to do their chore, if they wanted to get those things out of jail they would have to do one of my chores. Anything still in the basket on Saturday would be taken to the DI and would not be replaced with something new. So, this means that there is a possibility that some of my children would be going to school naked. We had a FHE lesson on being responsible like Mormon and Moroni and doing our chores with a "Big Ol' Smile!" Before we left for school I reminded the children about this and they all seemed fairly confident in themselves. Well, needless to say, they were unhappy when they came home. Most of the basket was filled to the top with Olivia's things and Maddie's things. Emma had one pair of shoes in there and threw the biggest fit of all the children. Nate had a BYU jersey in there and immediately asked what chore he could do to get it out. Emma was given the chore of cleaning the upstairs bathroom. She didn't do it hardly at all but still expected to get her shoes out. So that led to yet another tantrum and then her telling me that she had just had a really bad day at school which I knew wasn't true because she didn't say that at tea time. So that led to more tears and frustration on both parties and a long discussion with mom and dad in their room.
In order to move forward with that conversation I need to remind myself of past details. This school year we pulled the kids from Shelley Elementary and sent them to Spectrum Academy which is a Charter School for children on the Autism Spectrum. Not just for them, but specialized for them. This is the very first year for this campus in Pleasant Grove and it has only been a month in school. So we are still working out some kinks. Maddie had the most anxiety about going and Emma and Nate were so excited to go. Now that we have given it a month, Maddie loves it and has had the easiest time transitioning. Emma and Nathan not so much. Emma has made up serious lies about kids fighting, pushing her off swings, having to go to OT to calm down or release energy, or that kids fight all the time and she is afraid it will happen to her. I take these things very seriously and to heart and when I confront the teacher about it I find out that Emma is lying to me about all of it. Nothing like this is going on. This is not normal n r for Emma and it has me extremely worried. Nathan got kicked in the mouth by one of the autistic children and complains that they don't do any papers or writing or math. School is not turning out to be what he expected, and quite frankly, this school is not turning out to be what I had expected either.
Jason and I spent a lot of time talking about this school and praying about it and we both felt really good about it. I didn't just feel good about it, I was EXCITED about it. I felt like this decision was going to solve a lot of problems for us. I was even willing to stay in this house for at least another 4 years so we could be close to the school until it was time for Maddie to go to High School and then we could move. I was willing to "work with what I have" as far as this house is concerned and I even was excited about that decision. Lately I have just felt that all of my sacrifices have been for nothing. School is not working out. Financially I have made sacrifices that have been extremely hard for me so that I can help out with the money situation and feel like I am contributing to the account rather than always taking away from it. But I am not seeing any benefits from that either.
Truth be told, I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of the decisions and sacrifices that have to be made and I feel like I am the only one sacrificing or making the decisions. Jason claims that changing the kids school was a decision we both made, but that's not how I remember it. He claims that he is making financial sacrifices as well, but they are not anywhere near to the scale of the sacrifices I am making. I'm tired of having to do it all myself!!!
So, in the end what was the decision? Emma came up with the decision to try and help when the kids at school are having a hard time and maybe that will help her feel better about the kids at school. We have been trying to teach the children to be a part of the solution rather than the problem so this is a good decision for her. She is vying for attention and being deceitful and manipulative in order to get that attention. I thought about home schooling her for a year so that she has attention and gets her education at the same time. Jason is not on board with that decision. I thought about changing her to one of the other Charter Schools that we had applied to and I don't think he is really on board with that either. I think he just wants to send the kids back to Shelley or stick it out at Spectrum a little longer.
I really do not know what to do in this situation. I have been struggling with the fact that I do not have time with my children and then when I do have time with them I get annoyed that they all want my undivided attention at the same time. My house is falling apart from the inside out and I don't know how to keep it all together! My anxiety is back up and I felt like I was doing really well with that for a while. I just need to take this matter to my Father in Heaven and sleep on it tonight and wake up and see what new thoughts my brain has dug up. I tend to over analyze everything and get myself all worked up over nothing. For instance, it irritates me that Jason is sleeping soundly next to me while I am agonizing and feel like a storm is just brewing inside me over what to do with the kids! Satan uses this to his advantage by putting thoughts into my head that he doesn't care because he knows you'll just take care of it. What difference does it make to him where the kids go to school or whether or not they feel they are getting attention? He gets to go to work every day and not deal with all of this.
So, I just have to say "get thee behind me!" and cast him out and try to sing hymns, and remind myself that Jason is a wonderful man because he truly is and that it is my overworking brain trying to confuse me. And I pray and pray and pray for peace and comfort in my heart and try it all again in the morning!
Sept. 23, 2014
I have been wanted to start this blog for about a year now. I wanted to have a diary or journal that would literally talk about each day of my life so that when my children read it they would know what life was like being their mother. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the proud moments. That's a lot to write by hand and I am not as good at keeping a journal as I used to be. So, this little blurb will just be a start to what I hope will be a continuing journal.
Last night Nathan came into our room and said, "Dad, Isaac is laying in his bed and keeps whispering, ya ya Cougars! and he's keeping me awake." How adorable is that?!
Last night Nathan came into our room and said, "Dad, Isaac is laying in his bed and keeps whispering, ya ya Cougars! and he's keeping me awake." How adorable is that?!
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