4:30 pm- I am working on the Christmas list that my father sends to us every year. The kids had no problems telling me what DVD they wanted to ask. But when I said, "ok, what do you want for Christmas?" there was silence and blank faces. They are all having a hard time coming up with anything. Maddie asked for a "cuddle-up-it" which is something she saw on an infomercial that is a blanket and puppet in one. I don't know what to think of this. Are my children really that selfless that they honestly can't think of anything they want or have I pounded it into my children that we don't have money for everything and they are scared to say what their hearts truly desire. I thought I would prompt it a little and I said, "Nate, pretend Dad gave you a million dollars and told you to buy whatever you wanted in the whole world. What would you buy?" Without hesitation his response was "a flavored mouth guard!" Really? You have a million dollars and all you want to buy is a flavored mouth guard? What else would you buy? "football pads...and pants." Ok, we really have a one track mind here. Do my children really have no, or very limited, imagination that this is all they can come up with or is this really what he desires most and therefore is all he can think about? Children are a wonder to me!
7:30pm-Tonight I made Parmesan Pork Chops with stuffing. I made a breadcrumb crust out of croutons instead of bread for the chops and the kids asked me if that's what I had done. Now their mind is on croutons and Maddie asked what stuffing was made out of. I told her dried bread. She said, oh, it kind of looks like croutons. And Nate said, "ya. It looks like crouton ric!" So now, stuffing is called crouton rice in our house.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
October 9, 2014
9:40 am- Isaac and Olivia are downstairs playing with blocks and watching a movie...oh wait...I just heard Isaac give a scream so I guess things are not as complacent as I thought...well, anyway, I'm writing this morning....wait, here comes Livvy whining...Isaac hit her in the head with a block...ok, kisses and juice have been distributed so now I can get back to writing.
Yesterday was a day spent contemplating and trying to calm myself down. Jason went hunting yesterday and I knew when he got back that I'd have to have myself pulled together and ready to try and smooth things out. I truly love my husband and I hate being mad at him. I talked to friends, thought a lot of nasty thoughts, but it was when I had finally said to myself, "that's it! I'm not going to carry him any more. He just gets left behind!" that I heard the soft whisperings of the Spirit tell me that this is what husbands and wives are for. To carry each other through the difficult times. After all, isn't that what the Savior has done for me? I felt that peace that I so crave surround me and I knew that my heart had been softened and at that moment I couldn't remember why I had been so upset in the first place. In order to keep that peace in my heart and keep Satan out of my thoughts I put on some conference talks about marriage. I listened to 3 and they were all really good and I kept thinking to myself, Jason needs to listen to these too! So, I had to remind myself that this is for me and my spiritual and marital well being and I need to focus on improving myself and not trying to improve everyone else.
Nate had such an awesome flag football game last night. He scored two touchdowns and took many flags and he was just on fire. I texted the game results to Jason and that was all it took to break the curse between us. He was happy when he came home and while I admit it took me complete restraint to put a smile on my face and not bring up the drudgery, I was happy to see him home at a decent hour. He snuggled up to me and kissed me long and told me he was sorry. I apologized for blowing things out of proportion as usual and he apologized again for things he said and that was it. I think this is the first time in the history of our marriage that I did not elaborate and explain why I was mad and go full blown into all of the details. I just let it go at the apology and thanked him for it and then that was it. We were done and happy again and mended things intimately between us because that's his love language. One day he'll learn what mine is, but for now I'll just love him the best way I can for him and accept the love he has to offer me in the way he has to offer it. I prefer that over the anger any day!
Yesterday was a day spent contemplating and trying to calm myself down. Jason went hunting yesterday and I knew when he got back that I'd have to have myself pulled together and ready to try and smooth things out. I truly love my husband and I hate being mad at him. I talked to friends, thought a lot of nasty thoughts, but it was when I had finally said to myself, "that's it! I'm not going to carry him any more. He just gets left behind!" that I heard the soft whisperings of the Spirit tell me that this is what husbands and wives are for. To carry each other through the difficult times. After all, isn't that what the Savior has done for me? I felt that peace that I so crave surround me and I knew that my heart had been softened and at that moment I couldn't remember why I had been so upset in the first place. In order to keep that peace in my heart and keep Satan out of my thoughts I put on some conference talks about marriage. I listened to 3 and they were all really good and I kept thinking to myself, Jason needs to listen to these too! So, I had to remind myself that this is for me and my spiritual and marital well being and I need to focus on improving myself and not trying to improve everyone else.
Nate had such an awesome flag football game last night. He scored two touchdowns and took many flags and he was just on fire. I texted the game results to Jason and that was all it took to break the curse between us. He was happy when he came home and while I admit it took me complete restraint to put a smile on my face and not bring up the drudgery, I was happy to see him home at a decent hour. He snuggled up to me and kissed me long and told me he was sorry. I apologized for blowing things out of proportion as usual and he apologized again for things he said and that was it. I think this is the first time in the history of our marriage that I did not elaborate and explain why I was mad and go full blown into all of the details. I just let it go at the apology and thanked him for it and then that was it. We were done and happy again and mended things intimately between us because that's his love language. One day he'll learn what mine is, but for now I'll just love him the best way I can for him and accept the love he has to offer me in the way he has to offer it. I prefer that over the anger any day!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
September 30, 2014
12:15 pm- Isaac got mad at Nate and screamed at him and then called him a poo-poo. Great, he's learned a new word! Jason said, "It's nice to see he's increased his vocabulary."
5:10 pm- Nate: "Whoa! You put vegetables in the mac n cheese? That's awesome...and kind of weird."
5:10 pm- Nate: "Whoa! You put vegetables in the mac n cheese? That's awesome...and kind of weird."
October 7, 2014
10:34 pm- I haven't written in a while because I have been so stressed, emotional, and angry at situations that surround me. I have come to a few conclusions about them and I feel that I am now ready to finally put things into words. Keep in mind, however, that at this very moment and I am so mad at Jason right now that I really just do not want to sleep in the same bed as him. Not that I could sleep anyway, he has been snoring lately. But my anger does affect my thinking and makes it not so clear.
1) The Situation: Spectrum Academy is not what we thought it would be. Dilemma: What do we do? Stay there and wait it out while our children experience being in the presence of high behavioral problems and low academics? Or pull them out and put them back in Shelley where Emma felt like she was ignored by her teacher and I was not happy with how they taught the "core" curriculum, the extremely high level of expectation and the amount of homework and time it took to do it for elementary children. Or do I homeschool Emma and give her the undivided attention she feels (and rightly so) she deserves. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that there seems to be no clear choice. One thing does not feel better than the other. I am able to prioritize these choices into "good, better, best" and Jason is as unclear about the choice as I am...which is not surprising but comforting in a strange way. When I think about homeschool I feel good about that choice and I feel at peace. Jason is not on board with it. But he is not a person of "doing" but rather of letting "others do." I think his choice is to send them back to Shelley where they know people, we are comfortable with policies and procedures and where he thinks everything is honkey dorey. He doesn't have to deal with homework and volunteering and school politics like I do, so yes, that seems like the better choice for him. I can't put my finger on it but Shelley just does not bring me peace. Solution: We have given the choices to Emma with all of the pro's and con's of each one and have asked her to pray about it. I have made it very clear to her that this decision is not hers alone to make so that she does not feel overwhelmed with it, but feels like she is a part of the decision making and the solution. Her answer will speak louder and more than she knows. If she chooses Spectrum, she values the smaller class size and attention she gets there. If she chooses Shelley she values social and academics. If she chooses homeschool she values the attention she gets from me and being set apart from her siblings. It will be interesting to see what her little heart truly desires. My Solution: homeschool. I am actually looking forward to working with Emma one on one not just academically but personally as well. I can teach her cooking, music and other extra-curricular things, as well as, go on fun field trips and just get to know her better.
2) The Situation: Jason. Dilemma: He lacks in so many areas. Communication, Faith, determination, motivation, sticking to the plan, realizing his potential, aggressivness and applying himself, taking risks, paying the price, the list goes on and on. I know that if I were to make a list of myself it would be far longer and more humbling, but right now, the focus is on him. He wants more out of life but is unwilling to pay the price. He wants it handed to him. He wants someone else to make the decisions and do the work. He is not a "doer" in any sense of the word. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that I am tired of his lack of all of these things means suffering for my children and myself. We are in such turmoil while he fiddle-farts around with his life and now I am just angry at him. The man has no ambition. He wants more money yet he will not ask for a raise or give his employer a reason to promote him or look for a higher paying job. The job he has is awesome. He has friends, he has experience, he has seniority and yet they give the promotions to less experienced people. Why? Because they show ambition. They sell themselves and their qualifications. Jason does not. He won't look for another job because that involves taking a risk and being aggressive. It also requires sacrifice and paying a price. He is just waiting for someone to notice him and hand him what he wants. I know he wants me to go out and work but I am refusing to do that. Not only is not in accordance with what the Lord wants, but it is taking away his opportunity to DO and FIGHT for what he wants. He is an ostrich who buries his head in the sand until the discomfort and problems have faded away. I am the one who fights and protects and gives him the all clear. I pray and pray and pray that he will take the initiative and be the head of the household. That he will fight for his family rather than be stagnate in his life and with his choices. Solution: give in and get a job and kiss his butt for the rest of my life. Continue to live status quo and never aspire for anything else to happen or change. Because change is evil and why would we want that? My Solution: FIGHT TO THE DEATH! I am tired of sacrificing and the price is to high, but it is a price that must be paid if I want the change our family needs. I have decided to move forward without him. I have cut-out all that I can. I have sacrificed all that I can and we still come up short. It is time for him to sacrifice and pay the price. But in order for that to happen, I must continue on without him. Making those hard decisions on my own. Taking care of the children on my own. Living with the knowledge that there is not enough for our basic needs and for the time being there never will be. And I need to remind myself that if I want this change, this is the price I must pay.
3) Situation: Jason came home late from hunting the other day. Dilemma: I have barely spoken to him since then. Not only did he come home late, but he did not get in contact with me until he was on his way home. I had to cancel plans that were made and I worried the ENTIRE time he was past what I thought his arrival was supposed to be. He ruined a perfectly good day with me and the kids because of his lack of respect for me and my time and the children. Part of this anger stems from another situation the night before his hunting...I had to cancel plans with him that night because of Emma "faking sick" that day from school. I cancelled babysitters and waited to late to call her out on it and therefore I could not attend the little "team activity" with his work which entailed going up into the canyon and roasting hotdogs. Truth be told, that is not worth paying a babysitter for in the first place and so I did not put forth my best effort in trying to get another babysitter. However, when I told him that I was not going to be able to make it, he went on without me and that pissed me off! What it basically told me was that if I wanted to attend with him I needed to find someone to watch the kids. Otherwise, it was just a formality in the first place. He is constantly putting other things before his family and it's really starting to get on my nerves! He came home late that night as well. The children had not seen him for 48 hours and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He tried to apologize Saturday night when he came home late from hunting and told me that I could continue on with my plans (which was to go to a late movie with Kristy) because the kids wouldn't be along for too long. IDIOT! No, I did not go because I was not going to leave my kids alone late at night like that...and neither was Kristy. The other problem is that he did not go to the Priesthood Session of Conference. My children chose to leave their cousin's football game early because they wanted to get back in time to watch conference and I was so proud of them because that choice came without any prompts from me. I couldn't wait to tell Jason about this and the progress that was being made with them (situation #4) and the tears of happiness and joy to my heart that resulted. Only to be quashed by him NOT making the choice to end what he was doing and go to Conference. As usual, I cannnot look to him to be the example. Issue: the issue I have with this is that tonight he played the Martyr again and said that tomorrow would be his last day of hunting because it is causing way to many problems and it's not worth it. "It causes to many problems when I'm away and so I'm not going to go anymore." My response was to storm out of the room, muttering bull sh#% under my breath and proceed to vacuum the kitchen floor imagining that the vacuum was going over Jason's face. I HATE IT WHEN HE PLAYS THE MARTYR!!!!! I cannot talk to him about ANYTHING because he always, always, does this. There is no right way to talk to him about things. Either I'm being naggy and making him feel like he is worthless, or I'm just being a freaker-outer. Usually it's him being the martyr and trying to guilt me into being upset with whatever it was in the first place. Then I have to tell him that it's not him it's me and how wonderful and prefect he is because that's what his mother always does. So when I tell him something that I feel we need to work on together this is what I hear him say in my mind, "what? you mean I'm not perfect? my mother always told me I was. You are just being mean and I'm going to cry about it now until you take all of those mean things back and make me feel special again. You are not as perfect as me." Solution: Tell him how wonderful he is and how wrong I am and continue on with the belief that he can go out and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and I will continue to be treated like a prisoner with no parole. My Solution: Make him suffer and give up hunting if he's going to be a baby about it. If he wants to be part of the problem rather than the solution fine! My problem is solved!
4) The children have been following to much in their father's footsteps. Dilemma: when I ask the children to clean their room I always get weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth...and then the leave and go play with their friends anyway. If they do happen to go in an clean up their room, it is such a poor effort that it probably looked better when they didn't clean it rather than when they "cleaned" by piling everything on their bed and then pulling a sheet over it or throwing everything on top of a table or in the corner. I was pretty sick of it. And so I played the Little Red Hen with them that night. I chose not to make dinner for them and had Jason bring home Wendy's for the two of us. I asked them, "who will clean up their room?" "who will help with the dishes?" "who will put away their toys?" Not I! "who wants to eat this dinner from Wendy's?" I do! "Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't help clean your room, you didn't help with the dishes, you didn't clean up your toys. So I will eat this all by myself." and she did. Issue: aside from the obvious issues with the children, what made it worse was Jason getting involved by telling the children how much it hurt him to see them disrespect me and treat me like that and blah, blah, blah with tears and everything. He said some not so nice things to children and they all felt horrible and cried and cried. He basically played the martyr to the children and they had the same reaction as I did, guilt. That was the last thing he said to them before he didn't see them again for 48 hours (situation #3). How dare he say that to them when he does the same thing to me on a daily basis!! Where does he think they learned that behavior from? I ignored him and went on to tell the children that I loved them and that I just needed their help. Solution: Keep going over this lesson over and over and over until it is learned. Which involves more threats and more weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from all involved. My Solution: Father in his gentle ways, helped me to see that I am forcing my children to grow up to fast. That I am trying to turn them all into adults rather than let them be children and play. I resolved then and there that play time and friends really were more important than a clean room. I can clean their room and do the dishes and all of that while they go and play. And when they ask to help or are near by then I can have them help. I want my children to have a happy childhood like I did and not an empty one like their father. I will teach them how to do things through my example. When they turn 12 then they enter into the "young adult" world and I can focus on those more adult things then. Sorry Maddie that I am figuring this out when you will be 12 in 6 months. But I hope to reconcile it soon. I just have to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I am choosing to give and a price I am willing to pay for the outcome that I want.
Getting all of this out has helped me clear my mind, but it has not calmed my anger for Jason...in fact, it probably only made it worse. I will try to repent and calm myself down before he goes hunting in the morning. I did send him a text before I started writing this that said I love you and be safe so that my last words him are not cruel in case something happens. But yet again, my attitude is that I am doing something to rectify the situation and he is in bed sleeping doing nothing. I am trying to take the counsel of the apostles in our recent conference and not take offense so easily, but that requires a change of heart on my part. I thought I was doing well in that department but this week has proven otherwise and I need to repent and turn to my scriptures more often. I have been listening to those talks over and over the past two days, but I need to do more.
I have run out of words to say so I guess that means there is no more analyzing left and there is no more thinking on these matters tonight.
1) The Situation: Spectrum Academy is not what we thought it would be. Dilemma: What do we do? Stay there and wait it out while our children experience being in the presence of high behavioral problems and low academics? Or pull them out and put them back in Shelley where Emma felt like she was ignored by her teacher and I was not happy with how they taught the "core" curriculum, the extremely high level of expectation and the amount of homework and time it took to do it for elementary children. Or do I homeschool Emma and give her the undivided attention she feels (and rightly so) she deserves. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that there seems to be no clear choice. One thing does not feel better than the other. I am able to prioritize these choices into "good, better, best" and Jason is as unclear about the choice as I am...which is not surprising but comforting in a strange way. When I think about homeschool I feel good about that choice and I feel at peace. Jason is not on board with it. But he is not a person of "doing" but rather of letting "others do." I think his choice is to send them back to Shelley where they know people, we are comfortable with policies and procedures and where he thinks everything is honkey dorey. He doesn't have to deal with homework and volunteering and school politics like I do, so yes, that seems like the better choice for him. I can't put my finger on it but Shelley just does not bring me peace. Solution: We have given the choices to Emma with all of the pro's and con's of each one and have asked her to pray about it. I have made it very clear to her that this decision is not hers alone to make so that she does not feel overwhelmed with it, but feels like she is a part of the decision making and the solution. Her answer will speak louder and more than she knows. If she chooses Spectrum, she values the smaller class size and attention she gets there. If she chooses Shelley she values social and academics. If she chooses homeschool she values the attention she gets from me and being set apart from her siblings. It will be interesting to see what her little heart truly desires. My Solution: homeschool. I am actually looking forward to working with Emma one on one not just academically but personally as well. I can teach her cooking, music and other extra-curricular things, as well as, go on fun field trips and just get to know her better.
2) The Situation: Jason. Dilemma: He lacks in so many areas. Communication, Faith, determination, motivation, sticking to the plan, realizing his potential, aggressivness and applying himself, taking risks, paying the price, the list goes on and on. I know that if I were to make a list of myself it would be far longer and more humbling, but right now, the focus is on him. He wants more out of life but is unwilling to pay the price. He wants it handed to him. He wants someone else to make the decisions and do the work. He is not a "doer" in any sense of the word. Issue: the issue I am having with this is that I am tired of his lack of all of these things means suffering for my children and myself. We are in such turmoil while he fiddle-farts around with his life and now I am just angry at him. The man has no ambition. He wants more money yet he will not ask for a raise or give his employer a reason to promote him or look for a higher paying job. The job he has is awesome. He has friends, he has experience, he has seniority and yet they give the promotions to less experienced people. Why? Because they show ambition. They sell themselves and their qualifications. Jason does not. He won't look for another job because that involves taking a risk and being aggressive. It also requires sacrifice and paying a price. He is just waiting for someone to notice him and hand him what he wants. I know he wants me to go out and work but I am refusing to do that. Not only is not in accordance with what the Lord wants, but it is taking away his opportunity to DO and FIGHT for what he wants. He is an ostrich who buries his head in the sand until the discomfort and problems have faded away. I am the one who fights and protects and gives him the all clear. I pray and pray and pray that he will take the initiative and be the head of the household. That he will fight for his family rather than be stagnate in his life and with his choices. Solution: give in and get a job and kiss his butt for the rest of my life. Continue to live status quo and never aspire for anything else to happen or change. Because change is evil and why would we want that? My Solution: FIGHT TO THE DEATH! I am tired of sacrificing and the price is to high, but it is a price that must be paid if I want the change our family needs. I have decided to move forward without him. I have cut-out all that I can. I have sacrificed all that I can and we still come up short. It is time for him to sacrifice and pay the price. But in order for that to happen, I must continue on without him. Making those hard decisions on my own. Taking care of the children on my own. Living with the knowledge that there is not enough for our basic needs and for the time being there never will be. And I need to remind myself that if I want this change, this is the price I must pay.
3) Situation: Jason came home late from hunting the other day. Dilemma: I have barely spoken to him since then. Not only did he come home late, but he did not get in contact with me until he was on his way home. I had to cancel plans that were made and I worried the ENTIRE time he was past what I thought his arrival was supposed to be. He ruined a perfectly good day with me and the kids because of his lack of respect for me and my time and the children. Part of this anger stems from another situation the night before his hunting...I had to cancel plans with him that night because of Emma "faking sick" that day from school. I cancelled babysitters and waited to late to call her out on it and therefore I could not attend the little "team activity" with his work which entailed going up into the canyon and roasting hotdogs. Truth be told, that is not worth paying a babysitter for in the first place and so I did not put forth my best effort in trying to get another babysitter. However, when I told him that I was not going to be able to make it, he went on without me and that pissed me off! What it basically told me was that if I wanted to attend with him I needed to find someone to watch the kids. Otherwise, it was just a formality in the first place. He is constantly putting other things before his family and it's really starting to get on my nerves! He came home late that night as well. The children had not seen him for 48 hours and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He tried to apologize Saturday night when he came home late from hunting and told me that I could continue on with my plans (which was to go to a late movie with Kristy) because the kids wouldn't be along for too long. IDIOT! No, I did not go because I was not going to leave my kids alone late at night like that...and neither was Kristy. The other problem is that he did not go to the Priesthood Session of Conference. My children chose to leave their cousin's football game early because they wanted to get back in time to watch conference and I was so proud of them because that choice came without any prompts from me. I couldn't wait to tell Jason about this and the progress that was being made with them (situation #4) and the tears of happiness and joy to my heart that resulted. Only to be quashed by him NOT making the choice to end what he was doing and go to Conference. As usual, I cannnot look to him to be the example. Issue: the issue I have with this is that tonight he played the Martyr again and said that tomorrow would be his last day of hunting because it is causing way to many problems and it's not worth it. "It causes to many problems when I'm away and so I'm not going to go anymore." My response was to storm out of the room, muttering bull sh#% under my breath and proceed to vacuum the kitchen floor imagining that the vacuum was going over Jason's face. I HATE IT WHEN HE PLAYS THE MARTYR!!!!! I cannot talk to him about ANYTHING because he always, always, does this. There is no right way to talk to him about things. Either I'm being naggy and making him feel like he is worthless, or I'm just being a freaker-outer. Usually it's him being the martyr and trying to guilt me into being upset with whatever it was in the first place. Then I have to tell him that it's not him it's me and how wonderful and prefect he is because that's what his mother always does. So when I tell him something that I feel we need to work on together this is what I hear him say in my mind, "what? you mean I'm not perfect? my mother always told me I was. You are just being mean and I'm going to cry about it now until you take all of those mean things back and make me feel special again. You are not as perfect as me." Solution: Tell him how wonderful he is and how wrong I am and continue on with the belief that he can go out and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and I will continue to be treated like a prisoner with no parole. My Solution: Make him suffer and give up hunting if he's going to be a baby about it. If he wants to be part of the problem rather than the solution fine! My problem is solved!
4) The children have been following to much in their father's footsteps. Dilemma: when I ask the children to clean their room I always get weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth...and then the leave and go play with their friends anyway. If they do happen to go in an clean up their room, it is such a poor effort that it probably looked better when they didn't clean it rather than when they "cleaned" by piling everything on their bed and then pulling a sheet over it or throwing everything on top of a table or in the corner. I was pretty sick of it. And so I played the Little Red Hen with them that night. I chose not to make dinner for them and had Jason bring home Wendy's for the two of us. I asked them, "who will clean up their room?" "who will help with the dishes?" "who will put away their toys?" Not I! "who wants to eat this dinner from Wendy's?" I do! "Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't help clean your room, you didn't help with the dishes, you didn't clean up your toys. So I will eat this all by myself." and she did. Issue: aside from the obvious issues with the children, what made it worse was Jason getting involved by telling the children how much it hurt him to see them disrespect me and treat me like that and blah, blah, blah with tears and everything. He said some not so nice things to children and they all felt horrible and cried and cried. He basically played the martyr to the children and they had the same reaction as I did, guilt. That was the last thing he said to them before he didn't see them again for 48 hours (situation #3). How dare he say that to them when he does the same thing to me on a daily basis!! Where does he think they learned that behavior from? I ignored him and went on to tell the children that I loved them and that I just needed their help. Solution: Keep going over this lesson over and over and over until it is learned. Which involves more threats and more weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth from all involved. My Solution: Father in his gentle ways, helped me to see that I am forcing my children to grow up to fast. That I am trying to turn them all into adults rather than let them be children and play. I resolved then and there that play time and friends really were more important than a clean room. I can clean their room and do the dishes and all of that while they go and play. And when they ask to help or are near by then I can have them help. I want my children to have a happy childhood like I did and not an empty one like their father. I will teach them how to do things through my example. When they turn 12 then they enter into the "young adult" world and I can focus on those more adult things then. Sorry Maddie that I am figuring this out when you will be 12 in 6 months. But I hope to reconcile it soon. I just have to remind myself that this is a sacrifice I am choosing to give and a price I am willing to pay for the outcome that I want.
Getting all of this out has helped me clear my mind, but it has not calmed my anger for Jason...in fact, it probably only made it worse. I will try to repent and calm myself down before he goes hunting in the morning. I did send him a text before I started writing this that said I love you and be safe so that my last words him are not cruel in case something happens. But yet again, my attitude is that I am doing something to rectify the situation and he is in bed sleeping doing nothing. I am trying to take the counsel of the apostles in our recent conference and not take offense so easily, but that requires a change of heart on my part. I thought I was doing well in that department but this week has proven otherwise and I need to repent and turn to my scriptures more often. I have been listening to those talks over and over the past two days, but I need to do more.
I have run out of words to say so I guess that means there is no more analyzing left and there is no more thinking on these matters tonight.
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